A Matter of Relativity

I realized a very important concept today; an epiphany, if you will. I realized that we know who we are by our relationships to others - in other words, we decide who we want to be in relation to those around us. It helps us to define ourselves. To exist in a vacuum with no point of reference prevents us from knowing who we are. Kind of like how you decide what kind of parent you want to be in relation to your own parents. When your life becomes intertwined with another person, you lose (in some sense) your identity as an individual in favor of being half of a couple or a member of a family. You will, in a way, be identified by others and defined by yourself as a relation to others. I'm LaDonna's daughter, CJ's wife, so and so's mother etc.

I think that's why we feel so lost and confused as widow/ers. Our most important frame of reference has been removed. When you've been with someone for years, know them better than you know yourself at times, well, it makes it hard to judge who we are without them. For me anyway... I realized that this was a problem earlier this week. It's been a week of bad events, and I spent all this time wondering what CJ would do, how he would have reacted if he'd been here, what he would have said and done. And then it occurred to me that it didn't matter as much what he would have thought and done, because there's no one here but me. I was forced to ask my self what I thought, what I would do, what I would say. It was an unsettling realization. I don't know why it should seem so bizarre to be making my own decisions and forming my own opinions without considering his... I think that I respected him so much that it just always seemed natural to consider his opinion and actions as superior to my own. For practically the first time in my life I'm forced to consider who I am in these situations instead. I'm only Tamsen now, and - sadly - I'm not quite sure what that means. Who the hell is "Only Tamsen"?

In a sense, I will always consider what my mother would think, what CJ would do when making up my mind. They were too big a part of my life for it to be any other way. When you have known and loved great people, you can't help but be an improved person as a result. In this sense, they will always be with me. I'm not sure why it concerns me so much to have no one else to fall back on, no one else to make the choices with me or deal with the problems I'm afraid to solve on my own. Perhaps, rather than fear, I should look at this with a sense of liberation - see it as an opportunity to come to a better understading of who I am when I stand alone. Human beings are generally a pack animal, and I think it scares us to stand alone in front of everyone else. When there's only you there to take responsiblity for the failures, endure the pains and feel the joys, it's scary and it's sad. Even when we might be better off alone, we 'll often choose to stay in a bad relationship because a known unhappiness is better than the doubt and lonlines of having only ourselves for comfort and strength. But if there is any gift to come of this loss, I think it will be in the strength and confidence we are forced to find within ourselves. It can be liberating to define who you are when you're by yourself, because there's a lot more options available to you. You can choose to be anyone, anything you can dream you can be, when you define yourself by nothing other than your own standards, preferences and ideas. I wonder what kind of person "Only Tamsen" will be? Will she be very different from the person "Tamsen: CJ's Wife, LaDonna's Daughter" was? Will she be someone CJ and LaDonna would have been proud of? I guess I'll let you know when I find out...