Random Journal Entries

This post includes several snippets from my personal diary. I'm making this posting because I believe others in mourning (especially other widows) will see a lot of similarity here. You are not alone. Your situation is completely unique (as the person you lost was), but we all share some of the same symptoms of loss. In time, these feelings do pass (or so the story goes - I haven't gotten there myself yet), giving way to more positive emotions and better days. But in the meantime it helps to know that you are not alone. You are not going crazy, and there is nothing "wrong" or "inappropriate" with anything you feel. Recognize, embrace and accept your feelings, because when you shut them down or shove them back you are only putting off dealing with your grief. You have to deal with your grief in order to move through it and come out on the other side. I hope that reading these personal thoughts of mine will help you to know that everyone grieves and everyone does it in their own way; your means of grief are perfect for you and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'm just sharing mine in the hope that it helps you, whoever you may be. Keep in mind that this is all cut and pasted selectively, I've posted the worst days and that means that there are a lot of good or ok days in between (they're just not very interesting or helpful). So, if you actually know me, please also keep in mind that this represents the worst of my feelings and bad days, and thereby is unrepresentative of how I'm doing overall.

1/12/05

I have been a 25-year old widow for twelve days now. It sucks. I went to a group grief counseling session this evening. It’s been hard for me on one level, because I feel like no one else knows what I’m feeling or going through. I guess I was hoping that there would be other people there who had lost their spouses, that I could glean some hope from them. They were all older than me. The first person I met there was another widow, named Lois, aged late fifties. She was dancing with her husband on the dance floor New Years Eve, and he just keeled over dead – heart attack. Apparently she met him on the dance floor ten years ago, and finds it ironic that she lost him there as well. She’s angry that he didn’t say goodbye… and that he ate too much bacon. She talks pure New York and is covering her grief with anger, humor, self-absorption and lots of talking.

There was a daughter and her mother, both older ladies. I was doing ok with them until they started trying to sell me on healing through Jesus. The daughter is a Chaplain and says she gains strength for her own pain by remembering what the Savior suffered in his attempt to redeem humanity of its many sins. They also assured me that God has a plan, and that this happened for a reason. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that God and I aren’t on speaking terms this week.

I don't think I'll be going back...

1-14-06, 3:45 AM

I had dinner with some friends this evening. They are trying very hard to be supportive and to make sure I’m not alone at night, but in all reality they’re starting to fray my nerves… there are times when I’d frankly rather be alone. I have to pretend so much when I'm with others, to smile and laugh and offer them hope. It's like everyone wants me to feel better, but in so doing they're not letting me grieve. I can’t be a great dinner companion anyway, since inevitably I end up on some rant related to CJ’s death (this evening, rant #372 was on my loss of faith). They’re kind about it though. There’s only so much of other people I can take before I just start to feel sorry for myself though… In the end no one understands and no one can fix it, so no one can really help.

Oh, God… I just don’t know if I can make it in this life without him. No matter which way I turn, every option sucks because every option has a distinct lack of CJ in it. Where do you turn when you’ve got no good options left? Lesser of all evils?

1-14-05

I’ve decided that today I hate eHarmony.com. In fact, today I hate all happy people everywhere. Fuck it, I hate all the unhappy people too. Apparently so does the weather, since we’ve got a nasty storm brewing to the west. I’ve tried to keep busy today, but ran out of things to do early on. I finally wound up sitting in a Starbucks for about two hours just staring at the walls. I’m not sure if it’s better or worse than staring at the walls at home, but at least it’s different. And I don’t want to cry in public, so that’s a definite bonus… now if I could just stop glaring at all the innocents, we’d really be making progress. It disturbs me to see forty-year-old women who I’m pretty sure are emotionally more immature than I am. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so old in my goddamn life. Or so isolated. As I told a friend when he commented recently on the loss of my “child-like innocence”: you’ll have to excuse me, but I’ve put on a few years in the last week. Boy, there ain’t no finer reality check than death.

1-15-05, 8:52 AM

I’m pretty sure life sucks more today than yesterday. I dreamt that mom said something slightly insulting to CJ, and I blew up, hitting her and yelling at her. I’m having suicidal thoughts, but they’re weak. Mostly like wishful thinking: “gee, I really wish I’d lost all my faith and had the guts to shoot myself…”

I’m angry that I’m still here in my own version of hell, while everyone else gets to be happy and normal. I want my husband back. I want to feel normal and real. I want to be held and told it’s going to be ok. I’m afraid that none of those things is ever going to happen again. I miss CJ… and the darker side of my nature realizes that this is only the beginning… I’m not sure if it’s comforting to know that right now my overriding emotion is an intense fear of the coming pain, rather than pain and loss themselves. What is it everyone keeps telling me? Oh, yeah: one day at a time… Doesn’t anyone realize how fucking long a day is in hell?!?

Sometimes I feel like everyone else views me as a walking reminder that CJ is dead… I can’t shake the feeling that I make everyone else uncomfortable. I wonder if everyone will stop being friends with me in the long run… I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to do this. I want my goddamn husband back. I miss my best friend. I feel like I’m going to be alone and isolated for the rest of my life. I just wish I could curl up and die.

I desperately wish I could just sleep all day and night – sleep is a great exit from reality. When I sleep, then I’m not here; sometimes I get to see CJ and time goes by faster. I think the key to surviving will be making myself get up and move and do things every time I start to crash. We’ll see, I guess. I hate life. I really wish I could die, too. I’m so confused… so lost. I’m so hurt and alone. I’m not sure if I have the strength to live through this… I guess we’re going to find out. I wonder what CJ would’ve wanted me to do… I hope I get a sign from him, from God, from somebody soon. I’ve never been so clueless about the next step, the road ahead, and I don’t fucking like it. I’m never going to be ok, and I’m never going to be the same, and I’m never going to see CJ again… and I really don’t like any of that either.

1-16-05, 9:20 AM

I just had another classic denial dream. We were in the old apartment, the one I lived in near Bonanza. CJ told me it was all a big mistake, that doctors must have misdiagnosed him. I was really happy, but then started to throw a fit over the doctors and how terrible this was and how much pain it had caused his folks and his friends and me. Then the dream kind of morphed into some weird West Side Story retelling… and I woke up with a start, realizing once again that I’m deluding myself. I didn’t go through a denial state at all with mom… her being in ICU and having been sick before pretty much cleared up any doubt in my subconscious mind. With CJ, every time I go to sleep my unconscious tells me it was all a bad dream and I have to wake and remind myself that that my unconscious is lying to me.

All in all, denial isn’t all that bad. It allows me to ignore the situation to a great extent: every time the subject comes up, my subconscious makes it feel like it’s all a bad joke. My rational brain knows that CJ’s dead… it knows that my friends would never have done this to me as a joke, it knows I’ve been sleeping alone for over two weeks now, it knows that I picked up his ashes at the funeral home downtown, knows that we had his memorial service. My heart feels that it’s all just pretend… it doesn’t feel like he’s gone yet, so none of it seems real to me… almost like it’s all happening to somebody else. Perhaps if I’d gone out to the crash site, or had gone to the id viewing with his parents, everything would seem more real. I am curious to how I’ll be handling it once my denial stage wears off… I have the distinct feeling that it ain’t gonna be pretty. But for today, I’m perfectly content to be living in denial – it’s where all the cool kids will be hanging out this month.

You can’t jump the track; we’re like cars on a cable

Life’s like an hourglass glued to the table…

And no one can find the rewind button, girl

So cradle your head in your hands and breathe… just breathe

There’s a light at each end of this tunnel and

You shout ‘cuz you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out

These mistakes we've made, we'll just make them again

No hard feelings, darling, no regrets

No tears and no broken hearts

Call it quits, calling off all bets

It just wasn’t in the cards

Goodbye. Farewell. So Long.

Vaya con Dios. Good luck. Wish you well.

Take it slow. Easy come, girl. Easy go.

90 miles outside Chicago

Can’t stop driving, don’t know why

So many questions, I need an answer

Two years later, you’re still on my mind

Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart?

Who holds the stars up in the sky?

Is true love just once in a life time?

Did the Captain of the Titanic cry?

Someday we’ll know if love can move a mountain

Someday we’ll know why the sky is blue

Someday we’ll know why I wasn’t meant for you

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow

I watched the stars crash in the sea

If I could ask God just one question…

Why aren’t you here with me… tonight

Went to dinner with the gang tonight. We ate at Hannah’s, it’s a Euro-Asian Infusion place. I guess that means they have a bit of everything (from Irish Stew to Sushi), but because it’s Euro-Asian Infusion they get to charge twenty bucks a dish. I’m feeling pretty down. Melancholy, I guess. I miss CJ terribly. Going out with a lot of people was great at first… it was a great distraction from his absence in my life. Now it’s kind of worse to be in a group than to be alone. Everyone is nice, but I'm so depressed I must be a downer for all of them. Plus, it makes my heart ache to watch couples interact. The brush of hand, a shared story or joke. It just makes me miss him more. We were so much a part of each other’s lives, we were so in sync; his absence is such a weight on my heart. The worst part is walking to my car and driving home alone, back to the empty house we only shared for one month. Oh, I miss him so much. I keep trying to act happy and strong for every body else’s benefit. But, oh it hurts. It’s not that I can’t handle being alone. It’s that I can’t handle being without him. I loved him so much.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to recover from the loss of CJ’s friendship. I’m not sure who my best friend is now. No one, really. He knew me so well… inside and out, through and through. Most of the time, he knew me better than I knew myself. He was clever, so sweet… so honest. His importance in my life will never be replaced. I’m beginning to really feel his absence, and it makes me realize how much it’s going to suck to be alone for the rest of my life. I will never find another love like the one I had. I just wanted to be happy…

1-22-05

Another day, another dollar, I guess. Yesterday was Saturday, but I can’t remember what I did in the day time. I think I went shopping yesterday, at Target.

God, yesterday seems like last year.

I just sit there and stare at the walls in the dark… sometimes I try to imagine CJ lying there in the bed with me, holding me, comforting me. It doesn’t really work, and it hurts more than it helps because it seems to underline his absence.

The rest of the day has pretty much sucked. I cried for a long time today… well, screamed and sobbed more than cried. I just miss him so much. And it hurts almost more than I can bear sometimes. Other times I can push it away, so it’s almost not real, but other times it just hurts so much. God I love him. I’m not even sure if I’m supposed to say “love” or “loved”. And why does that matter? It’s not ever going to be better…

I feel so cold… so bitter and angry. Mostly I just hurt. I want him to be here so much and there is nothing I can do to make it happen. All I have to do is manage to live through it. Yeah. No problem. Piece of fucking cake.

1-26-05

Yesterday was a pretty good day.

Today's not going quite so well... I slept until nearly noon today. I’m feeling pretty down. I miss CJ like crazy. God, I just fucking miss him so much. I feel so alone in so many ways. I’m continually dragged down by the loss of my friend, the most incredible man I ever met. There just isn’t anybody else like him in the whole world, there isn't anyone who knew, loved and appreciated me the way CJ did. And that knowledge just seems to compound my sense of loss and loneliness.

1-27-05, around 3:00 AM

I’m curious as to how many of us are awake right now. I tried to sleep for awhile, but to no avail. Well, it’s Friday, which signals the end of the work week for most of the people I know. Just another day in the life for me, I suppose. Nothing new to report, except for the fact that I’m not asleep when I should be, and that I wish I was.

2-1-06

Well, today marks the one month anniversary of CJ’s death. I notice I’m starting to have more “bad” days, and the nights are definitely getting harder. I just miss him so much; the sense of anxiety, of isolation is, at times, crushing. I’m really not sure how I’m supposed to learn to live without him. Alone is a very poor substitute. Through every other rough stretch of road, I’ve always had someone else there to listen, to help and to lean on. I never realized how incredibly difficult it is to stand alone. I mean, I have other friends… but... I miss CJ, I miss his presence; but more than that, I miss the intimacy and depth of our relationship. I miss having someone to cry on, to laugh with… take care of and be taken care of.

2-5-06

I miss him terribly, I just miss him so fucking much. Sundays are definitely the worst day of the week for me, emotionally speaking. I just really miss my friend and my lover. It truly sucks to be alone in the world. Please, God, give me strength and lend me hope.

I went out to the crash site on Thursday. It didn’t really affect me as I thought it would. I was really dreading going out there, but it was…ok. I guess it does help somehow to have a clearer understanding in my mind of what happened. In the end, having him gone is the greatest loss and seeing where and how he died can neither worsen nor diminish the pain of that fact.

2-9-06

It’s Thursday. It’s been a hard evening. I miss him so much I have no words to describe it. I don’t want to be here anymore; I want to go home. I can live without him (probably... maybe), but I really don’t want to anymore. I just want him here so much… I miss my best friend. There is no one else that really matters to me. With the exception of of a few people, I don’t really care anymore. I just want my love back – I feel so alone. I love him so much. I have no purpose, no reason for being here anymore. I’ve never hurt so much in my life. I don’t know why I’m still here. I really don’t think that I’ll ever be whole again. I’m not even sure I’ll ever be really happy again. I want CJ, I really just want to be held and loved. God, I miss my friend.

God, why did you leave me? Why did this happen? What the fuck am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? I really don’t know. Nothing matters, nothing.

I don’t have anything I want to do or places I want to go, because I’ll be doing or going alone. More specifically, I’ll be doing or going without CJ. And if that’s the case what’s the point… what’s the goddamn point? Life is such a funny thing. Precarious, pointless. Painful. I’ll continue to exist, I guess. I’m not suicidal (I figure if I put it in writing it must be true), I’m just pointless. Directionless, I guess is a better term. The question of the reason for living has never weighed so heavily on my mind. He’s my whole life, and very really a huge part of my self – my identity. I can’t talk to anyone else because I don’t want them to see me crash – I want to give them hope, not make them despair.

No one has any clue what I’m going through. They’ll all be fine. Their lives will all go on, they’ll all move on without me. I just want my life back. Things were just starting to go right. I was going to make it work – we were going to be great. What the fuck happened?

You know, I’d feel better if I really thought there was an afterlife. Or if I felt like there was a fucking reason for all of this. If I thought that someday I’d see him again or that someday I’d have all the answers. But I’m just not sure anymore. I have hope, but I’ve lost so much faith. I feel so lost, lost in the woods. In a lot of ways, it still feels unreal. I’m not sure it will ever feel real. Realization comes in degrees, not in tectonic jumps. That’s why sometimes you’re ok, and sometimes you’re just not. I want my husband back. CJ is the only thing in my life that seems like it matters, mattered. When I look towards the future, I don’t see anything because the only thing I want is to be in love like I was, to have him here by my side as he always has been. I keep coming back to lines in the Princess Bride. Death cannot stop true love… What a load of crap. It’s funny too, because I used to believe it. What do I believe now? I just really never thought that anything could happen to him, you know? I thought he was… eternal.

Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck cares? It’s just that I like to have a plan – it’s one of my defining characteristics, dontcha know? Oh, but God I miss you CJ.

Until I find the reason for this scarring of my soul it will be hard to move forward. To move forward you have to have something you’re headed towards. Otherwise you’re just standing still and letting time move you along at her own pace, until she finally shoves you off the edge into oblivion.

Well this it Now

Everybody get down

This is all I can take,

This is how a heart breaks

=================================================

I’m alone in the universe

So alone in the universe

They all call me a lunatic

Ok, call me a lunatic

If I stand on my own so be it

One small voice in the universe

One True friend in the universe

Who believes in me

No one notices anything

Not one person is listening

They don’t have any way of knowing

2-11-06

Nothing new to report; the days continue to pass in quick succession, with little concern to my existence in them. I am feeling a bit better than last we spoke. I went to see a movie by myself last night. I don’t mind going to movies alone, hell – I don’t mind being a lone in general. It’s the overriding sense of being alone for the rest of my life. I’ll just never really find another friend like CJ, that’s all. It’s very hard to adapt to.

2-14-06, 1:14 AM

One of the grieving books I’ve been reading has an interesting insight on interpreting the sudden death of a spouse. It says that rather than searching for the meaning of the death, you should instead look for the meaning of the relationship. Why did the relationship need to begin in the first place, on a spiritual or personal level? I’m not sure this question is fair. It assumes once again that CJ’s life, like my mothers, was in large part to help me, to serve my ends and purposes more than their own. I feel it diminishes his life and death to try to analyze why he was present and necessary in my life.

Today happens to be Valentines Day. My first holiday without CJ. I’m very glad that it’s something inconsequential, and not – you know – Christmas. Or New Years. Ha Ha Ha. Yeah, I know that's not funny. I don’t think that it will bother me too bad, as CJ and I never really celebrated this holiday with any sincerity. I just hope no one asks me if I got anything, or wants to tell me all about what they got or did.

In the moments when I’m not overcome with grief (which are, thankfully, still comparatively rare – I’m attributing this to a continuing sense of shock and denial), I feel a vague sense of curiosity about what comes next in this saga that headlines as my life. I can’t help but think that to lose CJ and Mom both means that there are further huge personal developments waiting in the wings. That, for whatever reason, I had to go through this trial-by-fire to be prepared for whatever may be coming next. I just hope that whatever comes next is not worse. I must admit that a part of me is very afraid that it’s more downhill than uphill from here forward. But, goddamnit, I deserve a break here, someday, don't I?

I just want to understand. I have no clue where to go from here but blindly forward, so I guess we’ll see where that takes me.

Seems like just yesterday

You were a part of me

I used to stand so tall

I used to be so strong,

Your arms around me tight

Everything felt so right

Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong

I told you everything

Opened up and let you in

You made me feel all right

For once in my life

Now all that’s left of me

Is what I pretend to be

So together, but so broken up inside

Now I can’t breathe

No I can’t sleep

I’m barely hanging on

Here I am, once again

I’m torn into pieces

Can’t deny it, can’t pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won’t get to see the tears I cry

2-19-06, 2:00 AM

I can’t sleep. I miss CJ so much it aches at the very core of me. It's been nearly two months since I've really slept. I find that I’m coming to resent being with normal people very much. It seems like everyone else’s life is getting back to normal right when mine is beginning to fall apart. The sense of isolation is profound.

I’m at such a loss. I don’t know where to go, what to do or where I belong now. I yearn in desperation for someone to talk to, but there is no one. Not that it matters, because I don’t really want or need to talk. I need to yell and scream and sob and break things and kill people. There is so much on my mind and so much shock/hurt/anger/fear locked up in my soul – but there's no one left to help me carry this burden because they're both dead. Everyone that's left has their own burden to carry, or has no responsibility, inclination or obligation to help me with mine.

Everything still seems so unbelievable to me. How can CJ be dead? Dead, dead, dead. He was invincible, eternal. Essential. My mind continues to reject this contingency; continues to reject the truth. I’m trying to maintain some sort of forward momentum, but the currents keep dragging me back down, drag me down and drown me. There is no comfort, no retreat, no way out – the only two directions left are forward and down, but forward is getting a lot harder to maintain.

I just feel so lost, so purposeless. Is purposeless a word? Probably not. Pointless then. My life has no purpose. I have no purpose, no point. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day behind the next and eventually, someday, you’ll outlive your pain (or die trying). That’s what everyone tells me. But why bother putting one foot in front of the other if you’ve got no where left to go? Once again, what’s the fucking point? When you’ve lost everything that ever mattered, what reason is there left to live? I’ve always lived my life with the expectation that someday things will be all right, that they’ll be better. What a sick fucking sense of humor the universe has, huh?

I’m reminded of Poe’s Annabel Lee, who was knocked off by a bunch of angels who became jealous of such a perfect love. You gotta love Poe, man: the original master of macabre and champion of the depressed and manic insomniac.

2-28-06

Last day in February means two months have past since CJ’s departure.

I miss CJ very much, but am getting by. Like Zoe says in Serenity: “She’s pretty tore up, sir; but she’ll fly true.” I’m incredibly lonely without CJ, but I think I have come to a place of greater acceptance. I will be alright. Someday. Right now I’m just getting by, settling for ok. I’m not sure why I’m still here; I hope it’s an important reason. Time is so fucking relative. I know, on a deeper level, that the two or twenty or sixty years I’m destined to remain here (left behind) are nothing in the grand scheme. It just doesn’t always feel that way, you know? I miss you Siege.

3-8-06, 3:05 AM

I realize that I haven’t been writing in this journal nearly as often; I surmise that this is a sign of progress. All in all, I’ve been feeling better over the past week or two… much better. I still miss CJ terribly, he resides in about 70-80% of my waking thought. I still love him and wish he was here, but I’m coming to a place where emotionally I feel as though things are alright. I still feel him, miss him, need him, want him; but I no longer feel paralyzed or debilitated by grief. The difference between a sprained ankle and a broken spine, I guess. They both hamper your ability to move forward, but one’s a lot worse than the other. I’m probably at the broken leg or ripped knee cartilage stage: I’ll be able to walk again, but only after time and physical therapy. Wow… that was a really bad extended metaphor… oh well.

3-13-06

OK. I'm delusional. I am NOT feeling better, I will NEVER feel better. The past three or four days have seemed especially rough on me. CJ’s absence is a stinging, gaping, throbbing, aching pain in my chest. I miss him constantly. It hurts so much that at times I feel like I can’t breathe. I keep telling myself to hang in there. That I will be ok. That I will make it. That I will pull through. I don’t think I’m falling for it though. Some moments in life are so short and others seem to drag on and on. There are some days that I really just don’t want to be here anymore. Dear God, I miss him so much. I’m just not sure I’m strong enough to drag myself through this. Oh, it hurts. I want my husband back. I want my life back. That or I want to die. "Be not discontented, for the Lord is at your side. You have what you need. Have faith, for you shall receive the help you need to find your way".

3-24-06

My computer hard drive died a horrible death last week, which is why I haven’t made any recent entries. Well, that and the fact that there’s really nothing new to report. Somedays I feel pretty good and somedays I want to shoot myself (literally on both counts). Same old story, I guess. I must sound incredibly redundant. I miss him, and that sentence is both complete and utterly incapable of expressing the depth of pain. Boy, aren't I depressing? Otherwise things are going ok... (other than this big gaping hole in my chest where my soul use to be I'm in perfect health, doctor.)

I used to think we made our own direction in life; I guess that’s still true. But I also know that when one barely has the willpower to get up in the morning that charting out a new life course takes on gargantuan possibilities. Don’t you love that word? Gargantuan. I so rarely get to use it in a sentence. Anyway, it’s 4:32 AM. I guess I better try to get some sleep, eh? I don’t feel sleepy, I just feel tired, exhausted, drained, old. It’s either one or the other: either I sleep fifteen hours a day or I sleep two.

3-29-06

A whole group of us went to dinner this evening. It was ok, but the whole thing left me feeling agitated for no particular reason. Well, actually, one particular reason. The fact is that all of us being together in one place and time emphasizes, italicizes and underlines CJ’s absence. His absence and my continued presence. I feel more isolated and alone, especially when I’m surrounded by couples. Everyone seemed a little awkward together. It’s been a hard week, I’ve broken down repeatedly almost everyday. I miss him so much that the grief seems like a burning, aching pain at the back of my chest. You know, where my heart used to be. I started a blog, and posted some of the essays I’d written at the beginning of this dialogue. I figure I’ll add more as the mood suits me. Maybe people will read it. Maybe they won’t. I don’t suppose it matters; I don't suppose I care. God, there's so much I don't care about anymore... In the end, I just hope it helps somebody to heal a little. Me... for instance.

And that brings us up to date, I suppose. I have several other topic oriented essays I will post as days go by. I want you, oh lost and mourning reader, to know that there ARE good days in between the bad ones. But you don't have to suffer alone, either. Whether you share your pain with others or you don't, I hope this posting of my grief helps you to anonymously know that you are not alone and that you will make it, as cliched as it is, with time. (Let's all say the line together, boys and girls... One Day At A Time... very good. You all get gold stars). If you have no one else to talk to, you can always talk to the rest of us anonymous souls wandering the wastelands of cyberspace as we search for meaning at three o'clock in the morning.