Strength

Personal strength is a very relative concept. It is quite common for the bereaved to be told "You're handling it so well," or "You're such a strong person". Because, really we are. There's no other choice. The more hardship you endure in life, the better able you will be to handle hardship. It is my belief that people deal with personal crises in one of two ways: they become bitter or they gain a better sense of humor and humility. Because, either way, when shit like this happens, there's nothing that can be done about, nothing that can solve the problem. There are no answers, no fixes, no miracle cures, no deus ex machina, no clever plot twist. In the end there is nothing left but you and the glaring brutality of the fact, and how you react to it.

When Fate kicks you in the teeth, it presents the opportunity for learning; a chance to evaluate ones behaviours or beliefs. All events in life present us with the opportunity to choose who we are, who we want to be, in relation to those events. However, when Fate kicks you over and over again as you roll around on the ground screaming, you either learn that Fate is out to get you, or you learn to appreciate the times when she lets you stand back up. People who have lost those they really care about, be it parents, spouses, children, siblings or friends, suffer something that is indescribable to those who have not undergone the process themselves. While nearly every other form of loss or pain can be overcome, death is an unhealable wound. You do not get through grief. You do not get over grief. You do not overcome grief. You survive it. Time heals all wounds, it's true, but it doesn't heal them all completely. Sometimes life leaves scars that never go away, painful reminders that we're never in as much control of our lives as we think we are.

In the novel Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley, there is a character that works in the department that writes marketing and propaganda for the state. He always feels like there is some element that is missing in his work, preventing him from being able to really create. Though his work is brilliant, it is still somehow lacking. As the plot unfolds, the argument is put forth that what he "lacks" is suffering. That, in a perfect society, devoid of want and suffering, there is no impetus for the creative nature of man. Our souls become stagnant when our every immediate need is met. I think that this idea might just apply to us as individuals as well. Not necessarily that our minds and character stagnate when our every wish is realized (though I could point to Paris Hilton...), but that when we do suffer and survive, we are better for it as people. Don't get me wrong, I would be much happier the way things were. I was very happy. But there can be no doubt that this past year has probably been the most character building of my 25. It might be argued that our grandparents were "the greatest generation" because they'd had the worst hand dealt - a world-wide depression, two world wars.

Those who suffer loss are strong by necessity. There is no other way to be. Sometimes it doesn't feel that way. Sometimes we barely manage to drag ourselves through the minutes of each passing day. Sometimes we lose our grip, our control - sometimes it just takes too much effort to keep hanging in, keep hanging on. But we will make it. We always get back up again. Not because we're special, but because we have no choice. I can't tell you how many times in the past few years I'd thought "Well, this it. I've finally hit bottom. Nowhere else to go but up now..." I don't think I'll ever entertain that sentiment again. When you endure a loss so complete, it makes you realize that nothing, nothing can ever hurt you again. We are strong people not in spite of our pain, but because of it. No matter what else happens to me in this life, it will never compare to this. We can face anything, because we have already survived the worst. The question then becomes whether we continue on the path angry and bitter for our loss, or with a better sense of understanding about the precious nature of life.