To TnFishers Wife

I didn't know how else to contact you, so I hope this reaches you.

I received the following message from TnFishers Wife:

Thank you for sharing your feelings, for I'm a new widow. My Husband passed away 1/14/08. Your feelings are my feelings. You write about the separation...friends & family stop calling, etc.. What do I do at this time? My husband battled a rare & deadly cancer for 10.5 months. During that time our phone rang off the hook, visitors constantly...I wanted them to all go away & give us our time together. When people would ask what can we do for "you", I'd answer - "nothing". When I will need you most is when this is all said & done. When my beloved Jim is gone is when I'll need you most. Well, now that time has come and the phone doesn't ring. Family and friends don't call to ask what do I need nor to they come to see me or invite me to family gatherings. Mine is a different situation - Jim & I were only married 12 days when he was dx w/cancer. So I understand that I don't count...I felt like I was more of a buren to the family, then a welcomed member,'cause it was always all about Jim - not about us as a couple. So how do I deal with this rejection or separation? How do I tell his family that I need help? I've never been one to ask for help before, but now I need it and it's no where to be found. Thank you for any advice you can throw my way.
Sincerely,
Jim's Wife

Dear Jim's Wife,
Don't ever feel that you don't count. Everyone who misses Jim and mourns his death counts, and especially you. You were the person Jim chose to spend his life with, and maybe that means you count the most to him. In a way, you've lost more: you not only lost someone you loved, but you've lost your future, too. You've lost all your hopes and dreams for the future, for the life you and Jim had planned to build together. All of Jim's friends and families have lost something very precious and irreplaceable, but they still have the rest of their lives to build on and return to. Your road to healing will be more painful and take more time if only because you've got to rebuild everything from the ground up... it's like they had a break-in to their home while you lost everything in the fire. Both are horrible and painful, but it's easier to heal for them. A lot of the people who said they'd be there and aren't, they don't mean to harm you. They just don't know what to do. Your pain is so complete that it is probably overwhelming to them. In time, if they were good friends to begin with, they will come around again. I know that doesn't make the abandonment and isolation any better. But the truth is that a lot of grief is a battle fought on one's own... all those hours in the night when you can't sleep, the drive to the supermarket that seems to take days, the mornings in the shower. All of that time alone where you confront grief on your home turf, that's where and how the fight is won. Right now, you're in the very most difficult period for most people. The four to eight month is incredibly difficult, and for me was the darkest part of the journey. I want you to know that you will be OK. I know, I didn't believe it either until it started to happen, but it did help to have someone say it. The pain does ease, but it does so in it's own time; not mine or yours or anyone else's. Grief is a selfish, sneaky bastard, but in time you will be OK. Life has a way of healing itself. The best thing you can do is to accept that it will take time, and be gentle with yourself... be willing to let yourself grieve.

In 1988 Yellowstone National Park endured the largest forest fire in recorded history, destroying nearly 800,000 acres of land. Have you ever seen a forest after a fire? The ground stands blackened as far as the eye can see, the trees break off at a certain height, leaving burned husks broken and jagged at the top, pointing toward a sky so thick with smoke that you can barely see the sun. There are no birds, no mice, no insects... nothing but the charred out skeleton of what was there before. When you're standing there looking at the remains of what was just days ago vibrant and alive, you can't imagine that the forest will ever recover. But, as it turns out, forest fires very rarely damage the deeper roots of the plants; the main core of the forest is still alive underneath the devastation. And the burned foliage provides a nutrient rich environment for new growth: the year after the fires, wildflowers bloomed prolifically everywhere that had burned, and the year after that. The trees that had been most prominent in the forest, the lodgepole pines, have yet to recover, and the trunks of the dead trees still stand in memory of the fire. However, the graceful Aspen tree has begun to grow in greater abundance, changing the face of the forest, but still a beautiful tree. The new growth has made the forest stronger and more prone to survive future fires. It is still painfully obvious and evident that the fire destroyed huge sections of life in Yellowstone park, the forest will never forget the damage that has been done. But life has gone on, new trees and plants are thriving, creating a different forest than the one that was there before, but no less beautiful, no less worthy, no less vibrant. Life finds a way, life heals... but it definitely takes time to turn that kind of devastation into a forest that you want to walk through or have a picnic in.

I pray that you find moments of peace on your journey, I know the road is long and hard. Just give it time. Find joy in the small things that you loved before you even met Jim: mint ice cream in a cone, wildflowers on the side of the road, I Love Lucy. And get a dog or a cat... we all need to love and be loved, and it's SO comforting to have someone to share your dinner and the bed with... even if they shed and drool =]. Light be with you.