First Date

So, I've finally crossed a threshold. For so long, the very thought of going out with someone new, with the express purpose of "meeting someone new", has made me sick with guilt. I'm so afraid that it's an insult to his memory, to his family and his friends for me to try to build something new with what remains of my life. But I'm finally coming to the point where I'm ok with it. I think CJ would be ok with it, too. At first I kept thinking that he might feel betrayed if I found someone to go out with, but you know what? I feel betrayed, too. I'm the one who's still here, damn it. I'm the one here making it alone. But, even more than alone, I'm lonely. And believe me, there is a big difference between those two states of being. I don't mind, and in fact rather enjoy, being alone. Being lonely fucking sucks though. So, I decided it was time for me to get out there and meet some new peeps. (Yes, I just used peeps in sentence).

I'm not seeking anything permanent or serious, mind you. Just to, you know, meet some new people. People that don't know I'm a 26 year old widow who's never been on a date. See? There's a distinct advantage to meeting New Friends. You can edit yourself and your life however you want to with New Friends. New Friends don't have to know that I'm a huge Star Trek geek, or that I can't eat a meal (ever) without dumping some portion of it on myself or the table. New Friends don't have to know about that embarrassing time I tripped on the carpet and gave myself a black eye and a concussion on the corner of the TV, or about that disgusting habit I have of leaving half glasses of milk sitting out for days. New Friends only get the parts of me I want to tell them about, and I've got to tell you, there's great allure to that. It's safe. If they don't know any of the things about me that make me me, then I can feel perfectly ok about severing ties at a moments notice should it suddenly become too hard to make New Friends. I don't have to get hurt, I don't have to be attached, I am in complete control: those who control the information control the world (evil laugh).

With this mindset in place, I began mentioning casually to friends that I was interested in making "New Friends". Within a very short period of time, one of my friends at work told me that a guy she knew was in town for CES. Apparently we had a lot in common, and he looked pretty cute from the pictures on his MySpace page. So she invited him out to meet me, and the three of us all agreed to go out to dinner after work. So far, so good. The night before the Big Event, I spent three hours trying on practically every piece of clothing in my closet. I spent THREE goddamn hours trying to figure out what to freaking wear on an outing that didn't even qualify as a real date, with some guy I would likely not really ever see again. None of my sexy clothes fit like I remembered... I have been wearing pajama bottoms and Star Wars t-shirts and my husbands sweaters for a year now. I'd packed away the thongs and the push-up bras because - really - no woman in her right mind would wear these things without a male incentive. As a result of my personal carelessness, I found that my sexy jeans wouldn't go over my hips, my cute t-shirts showed the bulges around my tummy, and most of the skirts showed the expansion of my thighs. Well, shit. Finally settling on a skirt that looked ok, I realized that I hadn't shaved my legs since I got a pedicure nearly two months ago... another one of those things no woman in her right mind does unless she has to. With winter being here, I can wear long pants everyday and save myself lots of cash on razors. So, at eight thirty in the evening, I find myself in a panic driving to Wal-Mart to buy razors for my not-a-real date. On the bright side, my new efforts to look presentable are noticed by almost all of my co-workers (making me realize how dreadful I must actually look on a daily basis... I quickly realize how far I've let myself go from not really caring about this shit for over a year and from placating my depression with Ghiradelli chocolate and Hagen Daz... mental note: it's cheaper to start working out than it is to buy a new wardrobe...).

After work we head over to the MGM to meet up with Dave. He'd done well on the slot machines, so apparently he's buying dinner. I normally would have felt a bit uncomfortable with this, but since my other girlfriend was there I figured it was ok. We had a great dinner at an Italian restaurant and I managed to keep from dumping any of it on myself, though the table didn't fare so well. I don't think he saw that though... or when I tipped my glass up too fast and poured wine down my chin. Thank God there were three of us, so his attention wasn't all on me. He seemed like a really interesting guy. We had a lot in common, and he seemed to appreciate my geeky side. After dinner we all headed to one of the bars to have a drink. After a little while, my friend has to leave. While this worries me a bit, to be on my own in this new situation, he seems pretty nice and everything so I decide to stay for a while. He lives in LA and I'm thinking, hey this guys isn't so bad, maybe next time I come down to see my sister, I'll give him a call and we can go out to dinner or something... It's about this time, about fifteen minutes after my friend has left, that he leans towards me and says "I don't know about you, but I'd like to go back to my room and make-out...". My first thought was "Wait... with me?". Then it sinks in that he's just propositioned me. I manage to keep my cool though, rather than choking on my drink and panicking, I laugh and say, "No offense, but I just met you. I'm not going to go make out with you...". I figure if I keep it light, he at least has the ability to still recover. He can say "Oh, no problem, I wouldn't want to do anything to make you feel uncomfortable." Or "Oh no, no, no! I said 'I don't know about you, but I think it's really cool to get take-out...'". Say something, you know? He says "Well... this is awkward." Well shit... there's no recovering from that.

"I'm sorry, I just never really connected with someone like this," Dave tells me. So your solution to that is, Hey Baby, let's go make out?!? I think. But that's not what I say, because I actually feel really bad for the guy. Suddenly I'm thinking that it's my fault. Maybe I'm some kind of weird prude who has unwieldy expectations. Maybe I was giving him some sort come-on signs without even realizing it. Though based upon how my friends tell me I act, I really don't think that was the case. I mean, where do you draw the line between trying to indicate you're enjoying someone's company and indicating that you'd like to go dance the mattress mambo? I mean, there's got to be standard codes of behavior on this listed somewhere...

Anyway, the evening ended amicably enough. Obviously, I think it was pretty clear that our expectations for the evening were vastly different. It's kind of sad, because he seemed like an interesting person with interesting stories. But I'm not about to let someone else push the boundaries on what I'm comfortable with. No matter how much of a prude he thinks I am. But actually, I'm glad it happened because I realized a number of things. First, that I am worth going out with. I'm funny, I'm smart and I'm pretty so I shouldn't let this whole meeting New Friends thing make me so nervous that I start doubting myself and what I have to offer. Second, I'm glad it happened because now I know exactly how to handle it if someone wants me to do things that I'm not ready to do. I was afraid I would feel bad, or feel pressured, and instead I can laugh at the whole thing and know that there is nothing wrong with my standards or my expectations.

So, dear friends, stay tuned. Same channel, same time for next weeks thrilling installment in the on-going adventure of Tamsen's sex life!